Harry Potter and the HalfWitted Musical 2
by Spider-Bat
Summary: A brand new musical from the idiot who brought you the first one, but this one includes thongs, dentists, and Voldemort rapping.
1. Hermione's Mom

Spider-Bat Presents

Harry Potter

and

The Half-Witted Musical 2

Chapter 1: Hermione's Mom

It started one very fine day at Hogwarts. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were talking about their school.

"I love Hogwarts!" said Harry.

"Me too-- what? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!" said Ron.

"I love to learn!" said Hermione.

"I love magic!" said Harry.

"I love you, Harry!" said Ron.

"Um…"

"What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!"

"Hidy ho, kids!" said Dumbledore. "I have some terrible news!"

"GASP!" yelled the children.

"Evil Lord Voldemort is taking over Hogwarts!"

"GASP!" yelled the children.

"What are we going to do?" asked Harry.

"I don't know!" Dumbledore said, leaving the room.

"I know!" said Hermione.

"How is it you know everything?" asked Harry. "It doesn't make sense!"

"Yes, but has anything ever made sense in this book series?" asked Ron. "In the first year, why did Dumbledore destroy the Sorcerer's Stone when he could've given it to Harry and we all wouldn't have to worry about him dieing all the time?

"In the second year, why didn't Harry just lie and tell Dobby he _wasn't_ going to Hogwarts, and go anyway? The thing would've gone away, but **no**!

"And why couldn't we bring a chicken into the Chamber of Secrets instead of forcing Harry to battle it?

"And in our 4th year, why the hell didn't you kill Voldemort in the graveyard when he was busy running from the ghosts? **_IDIOT!_**"

"Well, Ron," said Hermione. "it seems you put careful thought into this--"

"What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!"

"Anyway, about what we can do…" Hermione said, pausing for dramatic tension. "We can call… my mom!"

"Why?"

"I read he's afraid of dentists!"

"Why?"

"Okay, in _Secrets of Evil Dude Wizards in the 20th Century, plus 45 extra pages of pictures of socks, _I read that he blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-- Harry, are you listening to me?"

"Why?"

"Whatever," Hermione said. "let's call my mom!"

She grabbed a phone from out of nowhere and made a really bad word come from her mouth.

"Long distance charges!"

8,756 ¾ days later, Hermione's mom arrived at Hogwarts. While mowing the lawn, Harry and Ron suddenly noticed something and they pulled out their guitars.

"Hermione's mom has got it going on!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on!

"Hermione, why the heck is you mom at our scho-o-o-o-ol? _At our school! _Can she come and hang with us at the po-o-o-o-ol? _Hang by the pool! _Is she here on some kind on business trip? _Business trip! _Why's she here-- is she trying to give me the sli-i-i-i-ip? _Give me the slip!_

"You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be! Cause now I have that ADD!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on! She's all I want, and I hope she has a thong! Hermione can't you see, I just really have to pee! I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Hermione's mom!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on!

"Hermione do you remember when I mowed the school's lawn? _The schools lawn!_ Your mom came here, with just a red thong a-a-a-a-on! _A thong on! _I could tell she liked me right then and there! _Then and there! _And the way she was all in the ba-a-a-a-are! _In the bare!_

"And I know that you think it's just my ADD! But since your mom walked in she could use a guy like me!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on! She's all I want, and I hope she has a thong! Hermione can't you see, I just really have to pee! I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Hermione's mom!

"Hermione's mom has got it going on! She's got it going on! She's all I want, and I hope she has a thong! Hope she has it! Hermione can't you see, I just really have to pee! I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Hermione's mom!

"Hermione's mom! Oh-oh, oh-oh! I'm in love with Hermione's mom! Oh-oh, oh-oh! Wait a minute! Hermione can't you see that I just took a pee! I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Hermione's mom!"

5/24/05


	2. I Will Sock YouI Am an IdiotWhere Are

Spider-Bat Presents

Harry Potter

and

The Half-Witted Musical 2

Chapter 2: I Will Sock You/I Am an Idiot/Where Are the Brains?

"What was that all about?" asked Hermione's mom, who's got it going on.

"Apparently," said Hermione. "they think you've got it going on!"

"Really?" Hermione's mom, who we can call Hottmoma or Mrs. Granger, said. "Well, you can call me Hottmoma or Mrs. Granger. Now, Hermione, where is this evil dentist-hater?"

"Over there."

Mrs. Granger walked over to Voldemort. "Hey, are you Voldemort?"

"Why, yes I--" Voldemort said, turning around. He was interrupted by the dentist drill and yucky fluoride treatment in her hand. "I mean-- what? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!"

Mrs. Granger broke into song:

"Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise, killing kids every second, yay! You've got crud on your face! You ugly disgrace! I just realized that's your nose.

"I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you!

"Buddy, you're a young man, hot man, what am I saying I'm married-- but to a gay! Blood on your face! EW, EW, EW! Waving your wand all over the place!

"I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you!

"Buddy, you're an old man, poor man, you've got red eyes and it's really gross, oh yeah! Got crap on your face! Big disgrace! Somebody better put you in a place for insane!

"I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you! I will-- I will sock you!"

Harry took center stage.

"I've took a poop… time after time! I've done my sentence, and that's all fine! But bad mistakes… I've made a few! I sometimes drop a load in class; yes I go poo!

"_He's an idi-idi-idiot!_

"I am an idiot, oh yeah! But I keep on fighting with no right hand! I am so stupid! I am so stupid! No time for choosing cause I am an idiot… oh, yeah!

"I've eaten a bowel… and someone's right ball. You've given me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it; I thank you all! But can't you see you're all foolish! You're idiots too! I consider myself challenged, overweight, and filled with poo!

"_He's an idi-idi-idiot!_

"I am an idiot, oh yeah! But I keep on fighting with no right hand! I am so stupid! I am so stupid! No time for choosing cause I am an idiot… oh, yeah!

"I am an idiot, oh yeah! But I keep on fighting with no right hand! I am so stupid! I am so stupid! No time for choosing cause I am an idiot…"

"What has that got to do with Voldemort?" asked Hottmoma.

"Um…"

"How about this, you fools?" asked Voldemort, braking into song.

"Where, where are the brains?

"What's wrong this school, preachers? People living like they ain't got no teachers! I think the whole school should go back to Kindergarten! This place is attracting the people who're retarded! Overseas, yeah they got President Bush! But it ain't nothing compared to us! Now, that's just gay! Malfoy's first name's Drakey! But if you actually love this student guys, I suggest you get help before y'all die, and if you die then I'll eat pie, so take control of your mind and meditate and worship Voldiemort, dawgs!"

"People setting me on fire! Children acting like some liars! If they practice anything, there'd be some decency! Father, father, father help us! I need some acid rain… to come down upon this retard school- Where are the brains?

"It just can't be sane; always the same; school days are strange; is the world the same? If love and peace is so strong, where is Hermione's mom's thong? We should drop some bombs! Chemical gasses filling lungs of little ones… ongoing suffering-- they were to young anyway! Ask yourself: Are they really worth it now? Ask yourself: Were we all wrong… by worshipping little kids… let's just kill these little kids… they're making wrong decisions with these visions that keep me shiverin'! Now if we respect each other, deny this brother! A war's going on, but Potter's still retarded! The truth is kept secret; why's he so dumb? If you don't know the truth you're also really dumb! Where's the brains, yall? You don't know! Where's the brains, yall? You don't know! Oh, where's the brains?

"People setting me on fire! Children acting like some liars! If they practice anything, there'd be some decency! Father, father, father help us! I need some acid rain… to come down upon this retard school- Where are the brains?

"I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders! As I'm getting older, yall keep getting duller! Wrong information always shown in the media, telling' yall Harry invented Einsteinium! Infecting your own minds faster than bacteria… making yall have a huge Pottermania!

"Whatever happened to the values of humanity, alls yall are full of stupidity! Instead of spreading smarts, you're spreading idiocy! Like it? Good! Yall gotta live with it anyway! That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under… That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down! It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under! But I gotta keep my faith alive and kill ya now! So ask yourself…

"Where are the brains? Where are the brains? Where are the brains? Where are the brains?

"Father, father, father help us! I need some acid rain… to come down upon this retard school- Where are the brains?

"Sing with me, yall! One cell… one cell! That's all ya got! One cell… one cell! In your brain! One cell… one cell! And something's wrong with it-- something's wrong with it-- something's wrong with your b-brain cell! You only got one cell… one cell! That's all ya got! One cell… one cell!

"THANK YOU, NEW YORK!"

6/5/05


	3. The Way I MoveWar!

Spider-Bat Presents

Harry Potter

and

The Half-Witted Musical 2

Chapter 3: The Way I Move/War!

"How dare you call my students unintelligent, Voldiemort!" yelled Snape. "I'm going to kill you!"

Snape rose his wand and fired the killing spell at Voldemort, but he missed.

"Sucka!" yelled Voldemort. "There's no way you can kill me! I'm an excellent dodger! Try to get me while I sing this song:

"Boom, boom, boom… Ha! Ha!

"I'm ready for action… try to nip me in the butt! I'm always relaxin'… Voldiemort is everlastin'! I'm clashin' all yalls… Wanna see me in a little action? That's for anyone askin'… I'm just passing… gas--gas--gas-- there it goes up your ass, uh! Now it's comin' out the side of yo' face… Typin' right into yo' memory banks! So lickin' a ticket, keep yo' seatbelt fastened! Yo' mind'll be rattlin' like a midget's up there dancin'! Speaker box installed in yo' head and that's how yall're hearin' me rappin'!

"But I know you're one of the 3-0-3 can you hear that Vold-ee! But I know you're one of the 3-0-3 can you hear that Vold-ee!

"I like the way I move! I like the way I move! I love the way I move! I love the way… I love the way… I love the way I move! I love the way I move! Woo, woo, woo! I love the way I move! I love the way… I love the way…

"The whole room fell silent; the girls are lovin' me! From Hermione to her mom-- are they lookin' at me? Well I was lookin' at them over there on the dance floor. Now they got on feelin' like a man-whore! Specially the little girl… Hermione needs love, too, no discrimination here girl! Keep you hands off my cheeks-- I wanna study yo' mom ride the beat-- ya big freak! Skinny, slim-- I don't care… As long as they got the… Nice rack… I'm all so fine-- I'll make you mine-- I'll give you something to remember-- Yell out 'Timber' when yo' bra falls down to the chop shop! Take a deep breath and exhale! Your ex-male-friend, Ron, is as boring as hell! Let me listen to the stories you tell! Your mom can move like I did in jail, so go loco!

"I like the way I move! I like the way I move! I love the way I move! I love the way… I love the way… I love the way I move! I love the way I move! Woo, woo, woo! I love the way I move! I love the way… I love the way…

"Hey, baby! Girl, can you stop it? Come on, lady, stop killing me-- MOMMY! But you look so fine… you look so fine… you're driving me out of my mind… out of my-- BABY! If I could, I would just be with you, baby! Ooh, cause you're sexy, so is your mommy! And you know… I gotta pee, baby, woo!

"I like the way I move! I like the way I move! I like the way I move! Ooh, so sizzling! I love the way I move! I love the way… Uh huh! I love the way… Ooh! I love the way I move! I love the way I move now, baby! I love the way I move! Ooh, you're so sizzling! I love the way I move! I love the way… I love the way…"

And then, Voldemort picked up Hermione and he mom and ran away with them, leaving behind 47½ Death Eaters. Of course this made Ron very sad.

"This means war!" Ron said. "Hit it, guys!"

The band OutKast emerged from a suit of armor with a man named Killer Mike and started rapping this exact song:

"As I, struggle to keep my balance and composure I'm 'posed ta, propose a toast to players on every coast-a. The lyrical roller coaster, mind-bender. 'Stead of watchin these sucker MC's I'm seein just how they lyin to the general population. Don't be patient, get up and stand up for your life. Don't you agree or understand we lost some rights at 1-1-9? Come dumb, come young, come blind unwind confined to the situation, we facin, cause in time, tick, tick boom.  
"Tick, boom… tick, tick-boom. Tick, boom… tick, tick-boom. Tick, boom… tick, tick-boom. Tick, boom… tick, tick-boom  
"When will we all awake up out this dream. Come here and smell the Folgers, the soldiers are human beings. Man actin as if he was the supreme bein. Clockin the souls of men out like he was G-O-D and W-A-Rrah, there'll be no tomorrow but sorrow and horror will follow the hollow hearts battle for dollars. Politicians, modern day magicians. Physicians of death, more health care for poor health. Who makin us ill, they makin us kill. That's makin me spill my guts."

"Chill Big, lay in the cut!" said Harry P.

"For what? I refuse to sit in the backseat and get handled like I do nuttin all day but sit around watch the Cartoon Channel. I rap about the Presidential election and the scandal that followed, and we all watched the nation, as it swallowed and chalked it up, basically America you got FUCKED. The media shucked and jived now we stuck - damn!  
"Operation Anaconda - ask yourself: Was it full of bleeps and blunders, did they ever find Osama? And why in the fuck did Daniel Pearl have to pay the price for his life and his wife plead twice? See Al-Amin got life and Fred got dead, Hampton to dampen the dream of all the Panthers. They got they answer for ransom.

"As we read together, as we dream together count your blessings whenever you feel that things won't be no better. But it got to, you gave me this microphone so I must rock you. Your brainwaves, airwaves, energized and SHOCKED you. Y'all got me, well I got y'all, long as I know y'all listenin. I'm always bringing food for thought to the table in the kitchen; now eat."

"But, uh… Ron dawg!" said Big Boi. "What the hell did that have to do with going to war with that pale dude?"

"What?" asked Ron. "I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!"

6/9/05


	4. Take Him Out and I Am Hungry

Spider-Bat Presents

Harry Potter

and

The Half-Witted Musical 2

Chapter 4: Take Him Out/ I Am Hungry

Voldemort hid behind a bunker with Hermione and Hottmoma while the Death Eaters killed various students.

"You evil man!" said Hermione. "You tricked my mother and I into this! You evil, horrible, sexy, delicious, perfect-- hey! Stop using your Jedi Mind Tricks!"

"But Hermione!" said Voldemort. "I am your father!"

"No you're not!"

"No…" Voldemort said. "But I will be in a moment!" He then stripped Hottmoma down and they… well, I don't want to get _too_ inappropriate for the kids.

"Okay…" said Dumbledore in the confines of his office. He had a map of the grounds of Hogwarts that he stole from J.K. Rowling laid out on his desk. Dumbledore's Army was circled around him.

"We will go here," he continued, pointing at a badly-drawn bunker. "and raid this bunker. That is where Voldemort is. TAKE HIM OUT!"

Harry and Ron got out their guitars again and played one last song while they stormed onto the grounds:

"So if you're lonely, you know I'm here waiting to poo. I got some bad hair… It is all messy and on my head. Now, if you leave here… you leave me toasted, like some bread. I've got some bad hair… I've got it and now I'm going to die! Ah, ah, ah! I know I'm going to need a beer… after dealing with you!

"I say, 'Look some snow!' You say, 'What a hole!' I say, 'TAKE HIM OUT!' I say, 'I've got to go! Don't move! I'll go in the snow!' I say, 'TAKE HIM OUT!'

"I say, 'Look some snow!' You say, 'What a hole!' I say, 'TAKE HIM OUT!' I say, 'You will die!' You say, 'I love pie!' I want you to be TAKEN OUT!'

"I know I'm going to need a beer… I know I'm going to need a beer… I know I'm going to need a beer… I know I'm going to need a beer… after dealing with you!

"I say, 'Look some snow!' You say, 'What a hole!' I say, 'TAKE HIM OUT!' I say, 'You will die!' You say, 'I love pie!' I want you to be TAKEN OUT!' If I move, you will die! If I move, I'll squash your pie! C'mon… TAKE HIM OUT!

"I know I'm going to need a beer… I know I'm going to need a beer… I know I'm going to need a beer… I know I'm going to need a beer… after dealing with you!"

Ron farted in Voldemort's face and old Voldie instantly died.

"Yay!" yelled Hermione, giving Harry a kiss. "We won!"

"We did?" asked Harry. He looked down at Voldemort's body. "We did! Wee!"

"I'm deaf," said Ron. "but I think this stupid story should be put to an end… with a song!"

"Okay," said Harry. "here it goes:

"A beauty queen of only 16 I… have some trouble with myself! Ron is always there to help me but… doesn't give me much help. I rode for miles and miles just to wind up at that door! I had food so many times but somehow I want more!

"I don't mind spending all my money! For some chicken with a glaze of honey! Look for the eggs with the broken shell! Ask 'em to get scrambled! And I am hungry! I am hungry, oh yeah.

"Tap on a rib bone, knock on the fridge door, I want food that is beautiful!

"I know I tend get so insecure and that's because I am ravenous! I can't eat no rainbows or butterflies or compromise I just want some food! Until it's full I want stuff in my tummy before I puke on the floor, yeah, yeah, yeah!

"I don't mind spending all my money! For some chicken with a glaze of honey! Look for the eggs with the broken shell! Ask 'em to get scrambled! And I am hungry! I am hungry! I am hungry! I am hungry, oh!

"I know where you hide some food in your car! Know all of the things inside that jar! I know that goodbye means nothing at all cause when I'm hungry I might eat my left ball! Yeah!

"Tap on a rib bone, knock on the fridge door, I want food that is beautiful!

"I don't mind spending all my money! For some chicken with a glaze of honey! Look for the eggs with the broken shell! Ask 'em to get scrambled! And I am hungry! I am hungry! I am hungry! I am hungry!

"Don't try so hard to feed yourself!"

"Wow, Harry, that was brilliant!" said Hottmoma.

"Let's go get you some food, honey!" said Hermione as she kissed Harry's cheek.

"Okay, Hermione," said Harry. "but I have just one question."

"Alright," Hermione replied. "shoot."

"What is food?"

6/9/05


End file.
